The first chapter of “Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship and Life Together” by Mark and Grace Driscoll is titled “New Marriage, Same Spouse”. The chapter talks about their testimonies as they came to Jesus, met each other and got married. It discussed the pains and trials they faced as they dealt with past sins, as well as hidden sins that were not revealed until after marriage.
I appreciated the honesty of the Driscolls. There was no hiding behind theological words or theories. Instead they opened themselves up in a way I have not seen from many authors who write on marriage. Some may say that writing on those personal struggles is not good for a pastor to do. I think just the opposite. Many books, good ones at that, deal with the theology of marriage, the gospel and marriage as theory, but never give it flesh. This opening chapter opened a door to see how Jesus works in the real mess of marriage that comes when 2 sinners join to become one.
The chapter was not a “look how we overcame chapter”. It was filled with confession and regret, it was blunt and authentic. It was however, not blunt for blunt sake, it was blunt to show the need for the gospel to be revealed and saturated in a marriage.
Last night Lauren and I watched the first sermon from Pastor Mark that came from the same topic the chapter did. We were moved by the plea by Pastor Mark to not let secrets remain any longer between us. We had a good discussion and also were reminded how God had worked his mercy and grace in our own messy marriage.
Our Story
Lauren and I started dating 7 years ago this month. I was in love with her from the start. The problem however was I began to worship her, and moved away from walking and trusting Jesus. I put her on a pedestal and wanted nothing more than to marry her. Our dating relationship quickly moved into an area of immorality. We began to sleep together regularly. Usually waking up regretting what we had done, promising to “try harder” and “do better” only to fail a few days later. The problem was, was that we were doing it alone, without our focus on Jesus. After another weekend of regret and pain we realized this sin needed to be brought into light. We went into Lauren’s home and confessed to her parents. There has never been a more humbling time than to sit before Lauren’s dad and confess my own failure and disregard for his daughter. Her parents were gracious, gentle and forgiving, they did ask about what would happen if Lauren got pregnant. We didn’t think that was a possibility, we had been having sex for several months without that happening, what would make this time different.
It felt as if God had brought about true repentance in our lives. Over the next few weeks we didn’t struggle or feel a need to be with each other in an immoral way. It was then Lauren realized she was “late” and after taking a pregnancy test we realized we were going to be parents. We were already planning to be married, but this did push those plans up, not out of compulsion, but because Lauren didn’t want to be noticeably pregnant on her wedding day (not that we didn’t want people to know, she just didn’t want to have to have a maternity wedding dress).
By God’s grace we did not sin against each other again during the 3 months of our engagement. We did carry in the consequences of the sin. Our first year of marriage was difficult and filled with tension. I was bitter for having to get a job to “pay the bills” that I did not like or feel good at. Lauren was learning to be a wife and deal with being pregnant all at once. Our intimacy was there but was tainted. We would find many times were we could not be intimate because of the pain of regret and memories of our sin. It took time for that area to be healed and made whole.
Jesus was teaching us many lessons in this time too. We learned about the wickedness of our sin, the beauty of God’s love and the hope found in Him. We learned about the need for grace to be evident in our marriage. We were also blessed with a beautiful daughter who we love and who I am blessed to take out on daddy-daughter dates. I believe we are now in a place where our marriage is healthier and stronger than ever. We are more in love and attracted to each other than ever. We also have become each other’s best friends, and we really love that.
via Searching for the Light Photography
While Lauren and I didn’t have any secrets like the Driscolls did, we had some big bags we had to deal. And like the Driscolls are learning to lean into Jesus in order to love and care for each other better. Jesus has used our story in many lives around us and we are grateful to be able to share it to help others. We have been blessed to do many couples pre-marital counseling and feel like we can help people avoid the land-mines we ran to and jumped on.
Chapter 2 Review and Thoughts coming next week…
Click here to purchase “Real Marriage” via Amazon
Pastor Mark’s sermon series “Real Marriage” can be found here
